I’m afraid of him getting skin cancer, especially since it’s something his parents have experienced, and because I was widowed at 34 when my first husband died of cancer. We both have children from previous relationships. The prospect of loving and then losing someone else to cancer is very scary and on my mind a lot. Watching my late husband get cancer and die within two months was the most awful experience of my life, and having another shot at long-term happiness makes me want to cling to it even more. I have mentioned my fears to my partner many times, but I don’t think he takes it seriously or knows how much it bothers me. Ironically, she always makes sure the kids are protected and reminds me of wearing sunscreen. As he tans easily I think he thinks he is invincible. I’m just being selfish – should I let him make his own decisions, as much as it potentially hurts the outcome? I’m having a hard time knowing what else to do. I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s death, that must have been incredibly traumatic. It all happened so fast, I wonder if you had a chance to process your grief then or since? Grief is a huge emotion that we can’t avoid and left untreated can manifest as other emotions such as extreme anxiety. If your children were very young, you probably just “continued” to be there for them. I went to Louise Tyler, a BACP Accredited Counsellor, who says: “At first glance this might look like a sunscreen problem, but it’s not. This is how couples get stuck fighting over the same thing, because it looks like it’s about sunscreen or washing the dishes, but it’s really about “Do you know me?” Am I important and does what I want matter?’ But in this case it’s also about trauma and loss and the dangers of ‘living again’. The issue may be: can you risk trusting life again and can it take responsibility to make you feel safe? Tyler says that couples tend to have two types of problems: “solvable” problems, like who does the housework, where the conflict is just about that issue; and “eternal” problems, which focus on fundamental differences. “If this was a solvable problem, it would be, ‘You have to wear sunscreen, can we find a compromise?’ But this seems to be more about the difference in needs.” With persistent problems, Tyler says, “Couples return to the issue again and again, but under a different guise, if they don’t address the underlying issues. Here, the issue may be: can you risk trusting life again? can your partner take responsibility for making you feel safe?’ We don’t know what your partner’s needs are. it could be that he “doesn’t want to be told what to do. He may also not fully understand your needs and see this as ‘just’ whining about sunscreen.’ So the first thing you need to do is sit down with him and really explain what he means to you (“I’m really scared of losing you” instead of “put on sunscreen”) and then listen to him. This gives him a chance to fix it. Sign up for Within Saturday The only way to get a behind-the-scenes look at our brand new magazine, Saturday. Sign up to get the inside story from our top writers, plus all the must-read articles and columns delivered to your inbox every weekend. Privacy Notice: Newsletters may contain information about charities, online advertising and content sponsored by external parties. For more information, see our Privacy Policy. We use Google reCaptcha to protect our website and Google’s Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply. However, we still believe it is important to address your past trauma. Therapy/CBT would be ideal for you or perhaps bereavement counseling (cruse.org.uk). While wearing sunscreen is important, it can act as a useful foil for some rather more vulnerable feelings underneath. Each week Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you want Annalisa’s advice on a personal matter, send your problem to [email protected] Annalisa regrets not being able to do personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. Comments in this piece are moderated to ensure that the discussion stays on the topics raised by the article. Please note that there may be a slight delay in comments appearing on the website. Listen to Conversations With Annalisa Barbieri, series 2.
