I feel like I’ve been nagging him to do his exercises and feel more like his mother than his wife these days. I find myself getting mad and angry sometimes because he doesn’t share anything with me emotionally (he was never good at it before so I don’t know why I would expect it now) and I feel very distant from him. I’ve tried talking to him to express his feelings, but he just doesn’t care. Then I feel guilty for having bad feelings for him, because he is the one who is suffering. It was an exhausting time for both of us. It looks like he will make a full recovery, but it takes time. Philippa’s Answer When I have a psychotherapy client, one of the first things I want to know is whether the dominant – preferred – mode of coping is either thinking, feeling or acting. I imagine these three ways of being as doors, and I need to know which ones are open, which ones are closed, and which ones are locked. Some of us, like your husband, like to think our way out of problems. Others need to explore their feelings first. Maybe it’s you. Your husband sounds like his thinking door is open, his work is closed, and his emotions are locked away. If I were healing with him, I would walk through the open door, thinking of her. Through this door, I would try to reach the door that does, and only by going through this route would I begin to approach the locked door, the emotions. If I were healing with you, it is the door of your emotions that is open and so I would go through it to access the other doors. What I would do if I were you would be to ask him – for your sake, because it would make you feel better – if he gets a visit from a physical therapist who specializes in post-stroke care, to come help him with high school . The physical therapist could explain in scientific terms why the exercises are important (perhaps they help rebuild neural pathways) and then he could get to the “doing” function through his preferred thinking mindset. As for your own behavior, when you ask him to do anything, don’t say, “I should…” but more, “I would if… I would feel happier/better if…” Remember, not “must”. Isn’t it amazing how irrational our emotions can seem? He has had a stroke and you are the one feeling and expressing what you call “bad feelings”. Just because he couldn’t help it doesn’t mean you’re not angry that he had a stroke, and also angry that he’s dealing with it differently than you. Feelings are like that. To feel better, you want it to look more like you. To react more like you. I think he probably has enough on his plate and can only handle being himself right now – let alone taking a leap and approaching his life and recovery the way you would. Remember, you are different and it was probably those differences that drew you to each other in the first place. We often want or admire something in another person that is underdeveloped in ourselves, and then, when a crisis comes, we lash out because they are not more like us. When life’s problems hit – such as serious illness or other disasters – it’s normal to become less flexible and even more oriented to our preferred ways. It’s like we go into emergency mode and become more rigid. He’s the one who had the stroke but somehow it’s happened to both of you so it seems like you’re both a little more settled into your normal mindset and can’t see the situation from each other. point of view or way of thinking, feeling and doing. Before the stroke, he was never very willing to share his feelings, but whatever he did sounds like it was enough for you. Now it sounds like it’s not enough anymore. Is it also possible that the stroke changed his personality? You will have to be patient. When someone is sick, we are often tempted to give them advice and tell them what to do. Often, the unconscious reason for this is that we may feel that if they did what we said, then we shouldn’t feel so much for them, to feel their weakness, vulnerability, pain and frustration. Remember, too, that for some people, accepting some advice can feel repulsive. Thus, you may inadvertently push his feelings further away from you. Your role has changed from a wife to a caregiver more like a mother. Before his stroke, you will have felt more relaxed and therefore more flexible. See if you can feel your way back to your more relaxed body. If you have a question, send a short email to [email protected]
